If ever I died because someone killed me. I just wanna say that I forgive them.
I don't wanna let you carry the guilt of ending my life because honestly, I didn't want it anymore.
Guilt is such an ugly feeling. I always feel that when I think I shouldn't be here. Like, hello!? A lot of people are fighting to be alive and here I am, feeling I didn't wanna be here.
I'm just worried about everything in my life that I don't wanna leave it like this/that.
It's just that I always wanted not to exist. I've been living my life wishing, thinking that hopefully, I don't get to finish this day because of an accident or I have a secret illness (I don't, I think). And every night wanting that I don't wake up by morning.
I just didn't wanna leave and make people I care about thinking whether they did something wrong, or if they could've prevented it. I just don't wanna haunt them like that even after I leave.
It was not what people did to me or things that happened to me that made me want that. Honestly? My life is not that hard. It's quite easy, I believe. I'm not spoiled rotten, but I'm not deprived either. It's just.. I just don't wanna exist.
It's been like that. For as long as I can remember.
..and you just gave it to me.
Thank you.
