The Purpose of Confession

Whenever I read or watch something about unrequited love there’s always someone who says “you need to tell him/her because you will be filled with regrets and what-if’s” or something like that. But I had a slow realization that it was not about you, the person who may be feeling the same or the “could’ve been” for you two, it was about the selfish intent to let out how you feel.

Why you ask? Just listen to this:

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come fourth later in uglier ways.”

-Sigmund Freud

Do you want to validate it further?

Now, look back/think back to those romance movie/books that you have read/watched. Try to remember the guy/girl in the background, the one the main character did not end up with. Usually the good guy/girl best friend—the one who’s perfect but was just not the one.

Remember how you started to root for them in the part where the main guy and main girl’s situation is so complicated and heart breaking?

How about the time where your heart almost broke for them because they got rejected in the most kind way (remember, sometimes, you need to be cruel to be kind) it was unimaginable to try and picture yourself in their position?

Then I’m sure you remember how the subtle changes in them.

Moreover if you’re a fan of romance genre, I’m sure you have read/watched a book/movie that after the main guy and main girl got together, this third party guy/girl becomes someone you will never imagine. They’d make a 180 turn, personality-wise or they begin acting out.

Sometimes, the above mentioned plot-turn doesn’t have a sweet confession from the third party guy/girl, sometimes they just snap and go ballistic and/or if your reading a mature content (and this third party is a guy), he may start taking advances to the girl where the main guy will save her and make it a significant moment that will strengthen their relationship. Like, damn, if that’s not an ugly way to come fourth, then I don’t know what is.

So confessing your feelings are just a selfish intent to free yourself from the chains that are holding you back in the moment you don't wanna stay. If you get accepted, you can move on to the next phase. Then if you get rejected, then you can move on from this phase.

Now, think about it.

-

Kisses,

Random

Thank You, ATC

This is a post of appreciation for Against The Current songs Demons and Paralyzed.

I want to say, Will, Dan & Chrissy, thank you for putting it to words. I don't know if you intended to, but words from these songs describes many things people with Mental Illness (AKA inner demons) feels. Listening to it makes one feel validated. And that's something.

I'm not sure if the songs were made for people who are battling with their inner demons but they will easily relate to the words of these songs.

So how about you guys listen to the song and read these lyrics?

---

Demons

I read your veins like lines on a map
But I got no destination
See the smoke and signals rise from my breath
And the flames are cold and patient
I filled you with a wonderland born of my imagination
And go, I can't

'Cause my demons tied me down
With silk chains wrapped around my soul
It seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
But demons take control
Like dark sins in my soul
I know it seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
Oh, no, they're just demons

I'm pushing through the blood in you
To heal where you've been hurting
And I'm so numb, I don't feel it run
When it stains the walls around me
I filled the room with shades of you
Drawn in my imagination

And go, I can't
'Cause my demons tied me down
With silk chains wrapped around my soul
It seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
But demons take control
Like dark sins in my soul
I know it seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
Oh, no, they're just demons
They're just demons
They're just demons
They're just demons

Staring up the road
Sick of the darkness and the cold
The chains are wearing thin
Oh, I'm fighting for us both
I built this wonderland
Drenched in the colours of your skin
And go, I can't

'Cause my demons tied me down
But silk chains are broken now
It seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
But demons take control
Like dark sins in my soul
I know it seems so obvious that I should put an end to this
Oh, no, they're just demons
They're just demons

---

Demons easily describes how one would want to stop feeling they do and just be happy, live their lives but the demons tie them down to stop living their lives the way they would want to.

There is subtle hint of it being a love song with the lyrics "I'm fighting for us both" but I'd like to think that it pertains to rational self (I like to compare it in Psychology, to what is called Super Ego--Freudan term, don't make me elaborate) and the depressed self. The super ego is trying to be reasonable and talk to the depressed self and pull them both out of self-made misery but can't do it if only half of the whole self is willing to.

One can feel and hear the frustration and the resignation in the way Chrissy sang it, or simply reading the song lyrics. And what I love about it is, nearing the end, narration of the song talks about the loosing chains of the demons. The declaration that kinda says "they're just demons and I'm stronger than any demon there is". I love the subtle way the song raised hope.

---

Paralyzed

Have you had a million reasons why you wish you'd never seen the truth?
Have you looked into the mirror and the problem's staring back at you?

I can't control myself
Don't know who I've been
And who is this monster wearing my skin?
A movie in black and white
When will it end?
'Cause every time I scream no one hears me

It feels like I'm paralyzed and I can't
Escape from the prison I'm living in
I'm naming the voices in my head
They keep on telling me to give in
But it's making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I'm gonna bring me back to life
And I won't be paralyzed

Have you searched for something deeper out of fear that life's a lonely road?
Have you roamed the darkest corners of the earth until you're just a ghost?

I can't control myself
Don't know who I've been
And who is this monster wearing my skin?
A movie in black and white
When will it end?
'Cause every time I scream no one hears me

It feels like I'm paralyzed and I can't
Escape from the prison I'm living in
I'm naming the voices in my head
They keep on telling me to give in
But it's making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I'm gonna bring me back to life
And I won't be paralyzed

I'm not afraid
I can face my demons even if they tear me down
If I fall, let me fall
It might take time but I'll find my own way out
It feels like I'm paralyzed and I can't
Escape from the prison I'm living in
It feels like I'm paralyzed and I can't
Escape from the prison I'm living in
I'm naming the voices in my head
They keep on telling me to give in
But it's making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I'm gonna bring me back to life

It feels like I'm paralyzed
Feels like I'm paralyzed
It feels like I'm paralyzed
Feels like I'm paralyzed
But it's making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I'm gonna bring me back to life
And I won't be paralyzed

---

The song talks about knowing something's wrong and the struggle within yourself to make it right. It is relatable to people who have "episodes". It's like " yes, that's me, yet, no, that's not me" minding.

What makes it awesome is that the song doesn't make it sound petty and annoyingly self-centered; it kinda makes you feel the frustration yet it also makes you feel the urge to win the battle within yourself.

Because that's the thing: people with mental illnesses are battling to make themselves feel normal. Believe me, people with mental illnesses would never wish anyone to feel the way they feel.

---

Important

If ever I died because someone killed me. I just wanna say that I forgive them.

I don't wanna let you carry the guilt of ending my life because honestly, I didn't want it anymore.

Guilt is such an ugly feeling. I always feel that when I think I shouldn't be here. Like, hello!? A lot of people are fighting to be alive and here I am, feeling I didn't wanna be here.

I'm just worried about everything in my life that I don't wanna leave it like this/that.

It's just that I always wanted not to exist. I've been living my life wishing, thinking that hopefully, I don't get to finish this day because of an accident or I have a secret illness (I don't, I think). And every night wanting that I don't wake up by morning.

I just didn't wanna leave and make people I care about thinking whether they did something wrong, or if they could've prevented it. I just don't wanna haunt them like that even after I leave.

It was not what people did to me or things that happened to me that made me want that. Honestly? My life is not that hard. It's quite easy, I believe. I'm not spoiled rotten, but I'm not deprived either. It's just.. I just don't wanna exist.

It's been like that. For as long as I can remember.

..and you just gave it to me.

Thank you.

I wanna feel better

It's just so frustrating to find your worst enemy is within yourself. You wanna do something about it, but it feels like doing something against yourself.

Wanting to feel better but wanting to stay the same.

Nothing to look forward but wanting to change that.

Waiting

I feel guilty for having this kind of attitude. Like, I always have that kind of view to anything, to everything.

I think it started way back on elementary days. First with waiting for each class to finish, then waiting for the day to end. Don't get me wrong. I was never a lousy student. In fact, I may be a bright student, if I may say so myself. My fourth grade teacher believed in me so she sent me to a higher section class by fifth grade. This is where I lost the feeling that I may be a bright student. I suddenly felt alienated because I became a part of a class that I was not familiar with. I find myself waiting each class to end, waiting for each day to end, waiting for graduation. So it was not really that surprising that on my sixth grade, I was thrown back to a lower section class. But weird as it was, I contented. My classmates are nice and they are goofy in my definition of it. I liked my classmates and I liked my teachers. Again, I was contented. Since sixth grade was the last class on my country that time, I felt graduation approaching. I felt excited not because I will be a part of recognition day, nor because I will be graduating, but because everything I dread everyday will be ending soon. It felt so nice.

Then I started high school. Again, it was a place I felt alienated. Most of my classmates are friends and was in the same class and school from Elementary. I was going to school to wait to get home. Though I eventually found friends that I felt comfortable with, I just found myself counting down days when will my first, second, third year will end. On my fouth year, I wasn't thinking of what should I take for college because my mind was waiting for graduation. I was not excited for new beginnings but I was excited for the new ending that is approaching.

I dreaded starting college because it was much tougher than high school. But I eventually got the hang of it--I eventually learned how to survive everyday.

By my third year, practicum started. First was my Industrial setting. The company I joined was kinda crappy with the department I was with. It was quite nice experience since I learned some things unlike most on the job training most had. But I realized by my second day that I wanted it to end. And on rendering my 32nd hour in that site, I caught myself waiting for the end. Well, eventually, it ended, I didn't feel much SepAnx leaving them. I felt achieved and relived with that. But well, that's just one setting that I have finished, I still have my Clinical setting. When I started with that, I was interested for two minutes before I felt dreaded and the desire to go home. Me and my friends on the same facility just went in everyday, interact for few minutes and wait for time out.

Then fourth year is when I started my thesis. I felt I needed to die so I can just skip finishing it. Our batch was the first one's that the faculty experimented with the "one-student-one-thesis" thing. The batch before me had their group thesis and the batch after us was in three's. I felt dread everyday. I felt I can just fail. I felt I've had enough. But I survived it. I don't know how, probably because I had support from my friends (we did our individual thesis together), but I survived it.

After finishing and successfully defensing mg thesis, I became aware of this kind of attitude. Because as everyone else are excited for the "real life", I kinda didn't want it to end because of changes it will bring. But I can honestly say I was looking forward to not go to school everyday. I honestly dreaded as the date came nearer.

Then graduation came.

Everybody started working and I felt it was too early. I stayed at home and watched every day end. I don't know what was it that I was waiting for but I was waiting for every day to end so I can go to sleep. Sleeping was the best part of those days. I was unemployed and was eating everyday and no one was scolding me for it but I was still unhappy, uncontented and felt tired everyday. I was sure I was waiting for something to happen.. Or was I waiting for something to end?

I didn't start my first job up until January of the next year (I graduated April). And it was for a company that really really needs someone.

Though it was tough and had a difficult superior, I was satisfied with the work I have done, still, I felt I was always waiting for every day to end.

Just Me

For a twenty-something girl, I'm still a freaking virgin, haven't done illegal (well, except for jaywalking), afraid to tell a (significant) lie, I don't smoke and I haven't had an SO (yeah, boo, me). I can't know flirting if it's thrown at my face.

My (celebrity) crushes are 3/4 girls. I never wanted to dance, sing or act. I always wear my hair up. I only comb my hair one time a day (in the morning). But I occasionally like putting on makeup, though those times are always when I'm chilling at home.

I stutter when I talk to someone I don't feel comfortable with. I find ways not to talk to somebody new.

Although I consider most people my friends, I still feel trapped if they all look at me when I share something in a group discussion. I look anywhere but their eyes. I feel comfortable with their presence but I don't like full attention of everybody.

I can't sell myself in an interview though I know what I can do. Every job I had badly needs someone and that someone happened to be me. However, I like the feeling when they discover that I'm more than what they thought I was during interview. Though I kinda feel I'm showing off. I worry that friends/workmates feel like that. And I don't like feeling that. I know I'm functioning properly at work because I feel comfortable with the people around me. Like, guys this is team effort!!

I feel SepAnx with every group of people I'm with. Like when I'm at home all day on a Sunday and I have to get to work on a Monday morning, I'm on the verge of being late because I don't wanna leave the company of my sisters and my niece. Same with workmates, I feel like I like going out with them after work. I feel a little bad if I need to get home when they ask to go out. I get late to every get together with my friends because I don't wanna leave home but when I'm with them, we part nearly ten at night because we enjoy each others company and I'd still feel a little bad.

I feel scared crossing the street, being alone in a bathroom, (Japanese) horror movies and spiders.

But I still watch horror movies.

I am disgusted with snails, worms and I don't like fishy smell (I'm always on the verge of throwing up with them).

My eye sight is bad but I don't like wearing my glasses.

I kinda don't think about people that I don't like. Seriously, like yeah, I don't like them but I don't hate them either.

I'm vocal with negative and aggressive feelings  when someone I know gets bullied. I only bitch out for myself when I'm hungry.

I'm forty-eight kilos but I know I have compulsion to eat anything I want. I get full in a few bites but I get hungry in a few minutes. I'm sure this is where my money goes.

I like reading. But I don't like fantasy because my mind is weak and I can't picture an alternate universe in my head. This is why I like fantasy movies, they picture it for me.

I love writing. I have the compulsion to write whenever I have an idea. Like, I can't go to sleep without me writing it out, either physically or digitally. But I don't really think I'm good at it.

I'm pretty sure I'm Jack of all traits master of nothing type of person.

I get frustrated with my own laziness but acting out on it is really tiring.