I feel guilty for having this kind of attitude. Like, I always have that kind of view to anything, to everything.
I think it started way back on elementary days. First with waiting for each class to finish, then waiting for the day to end. Don't get me wrong. I was never a lousy student. In fact, I may be a bright student, if I may say so myself. My fourth grade teacher believed in me so she sent me to a higher section class by fifth grade. This is where I lost the feeling that I may be a bright student. I suddenly felt alienated because I became a part of a class that I was not familiar with. I find myself waiting each class to end, waiting for each day to end, waiting for graduation. So it was not really that surprising that on my sixth grade, I was thrown back to a lower section class. But weird as it was, I contented. My classmates are nice and they are goofy in my definition of it. I liked my classmates and I liked my teachers. Again, I was contented. Since sixth grade was the last class on my country that time, I felt graduation approaching. I felt excited not because I will be a part of recognition day, nor because I will be graduating, but because everything I dread everyday will be ending soon. It felt so nice.
Then I started high school. Again, it was a place I felt alienated. Most of my classmates are friends and was in the same class and school from Elementary. I was going to school to wait to get home. Though I eventually found friends that I felt comfortable with, I just found myself counting down days when will my first, second, third year will end. On my fouth year, I wasn't thinking of what should I take for college because my mind was waiting for graduation. I was not excited for new beginnings but I was excited for the new ending that is approaching.
I dreaded starting college because it was much tougher than high school. But I eventually got the hang of it--I eventually learned how to survive everyday.
By my third year, practicum started. First was my Industrial setting. The company I joined was kinda crappy with the department I was with. It was quite nice experience since I learned some things unlike most on the job training most had. But I realized by my second day that I wanted it to end. And on rendering my 32nd hour in that site, I caught myself waiting for the end. Well, eventually, it ended, I didn't feel much SepAnx leaving them. I felt achieved and relived with that. But well, that's just one setting that I have finished, I still have my Clinical setting. When I started with that, I was interested for two minutes before I felt dreaded and the desire to go home. Me and my friends on the same facility just went in everyday, interact for few minutes and wait for time out.
Then fourth year is when I started my thesis. I felt I needed to die so I can just skip finishing it. Our batch was the first one's that the faculty experimented with the "one-student-one-thesis" thing. The batch before me had their group thesis and the batch after us was in three's. I felt dread everyday. I felt I can just fail. I felt I've had enough. But I survived it. I don't know how, probably because I had support from my friends (we did our individual thesis together), but I survived it.
After finishing and successfully defensing mg thesis, I became aware of this kind of attitude. Because as everyone else are excited for the "real life", I kinda didn't want it to end because of changes it will bring. But I can honestly say I was looking forward to not go to school everyday. I honestly dreaded as the date came nearer.
Then graduation came.
Everybody started working and I felt it was too early. I stayed at home and watched every day end. I don't know what was it that I was waiting for but I was waiting for every day to end so I can go to sleep. Sleeping was the best part of those days. I was unemployed and was eating everyday and no one was scolding me for it but I was still unhappy, uncontented and felt tired everyday. I was sure I was waiting for something to happen.. Or was I waiting for something to end?
I didn't start my first job up until January of the next year (I graduated April). And it was for a company that really really needs someone.
Though it was tough and had a difficult superior, I was satisfied with the work I have done, still, I felt I was always waiting for every day to end.
